Listen: enough of this "oh my god, Halo Infinite is doing so badly" bulls**t. Please, it's getting tiring. Also, no, Halo Infinite doesn't need a f**king Battle Royale. Shut up about that too, I implore you. Honestly, it's tiring, tedious, wrong, and just so unbelievably boring. Seriously, I would rather read another article about the whole Johnny Depp and Amber Heard thing than another doomsday scenario article about Halo Infinite. I would honestly rather burn my eyebrows off with a cigarette lighter. Could you imagine how painful that would be? I would legitimately prefer that.
So, of course, as the totally-not-hypocritical person I am, that's basically exactly the topic of this week's column. Fun, right? Halo Infinite has been in trouble, yes. I will give a quick list to summarize all of that without the need for great at-length ramblings. Here are the main reasons:
- Halo Infinite is losing players
- Halo Infinite is unfinished
- Where the f**k is Forge?
- Where the f**k is Campaign Co-Op?
- Why did the game have to be a flippin' free-to-play game?
- I want my god-damn cosmetics, and I don't want to pay for them.
- We have had no new content since the game launched in December.
- Oh, wait, except for those events. Yeah, they were... great...
- People are grumpy, like me.
- I just wanted to add another dot-point to make this list look longer than it is.
- And another to say that, yeah, I probably missed a few points. What are you going to do about it, mate?
Alright, so I have explained the problems. Like the rest of those nuggets on the internet. We all know the damn problems, we play the bloody game, they are pretty freakin' obvious. So, can these problems be fixed? Is Halo Infinite on the path to extinction? Come on, guys, give me a flippin' break, of course it's not. So! Let's dive into what can be done to fix Halo Infinite.
Fixing Halo Infinite Ain't Too Hard
Halo Infinite is a game that's well worth your time. It's chock-a-block full of fantastic Multiplayer Maps, features a great campaign that's full of replay-value, and is just... so great, you know? It's just lovely. I love popping those Grunts, I love murdering my friends, I love doing all sorts of heinous shit that would totally not go down on a real-world battlefield. It's just wonderful. That alone is enough to keep you in the game, and if it's not, then you have a problem, my friend. You should go see someone about that.
Alright, so how can we fix this bad-boy? What can we do to make Halo Infinite sleeker than a baby seal? Patches, lots of patches. Patch that bad-boy up, make sure there are no holes and no leaks. Both literal and internet variants. Look, the game's progression is still kind of broken, the Battle Pass in Season 1 was kind of broken, and ranked? Huh! Do I even need to mention ranked? Holy Christ in Heaven, ranked, certainly ain't up there in the ranks. If you know what I mean? Fix this s**t, that's the first thing that 343 Industries needs to do if it wants Halo Infinite to be more than just a bookmark in a novel that never gets read to completion.
You know what they need to do as well? They need to nail Halo Infinite Season 2 harder and firmer than the Roman's nailed a certain individual to a wooden cross a couple of thousand years ago. 2022 years, to be precise. Halo Infinite Season 2 needs to shine brighter than that annoying f**king streetlight outside my bedroom window. It needs to score such a home-run that the Yankee's will go nuts all over the Empire State Building, making such a mess that the Statue of Liberty cries, causing the Hudson River to swell. Captain Sully will then utter the utterly incomprehensible: "oh, that would have made it a lot easier!"
It's not just Season 2 that they need to be great. They also need Forge to be great so that (and this next joke it going to be VERY predictable) Halo Infinite's soul, glory and popularity can be forged from the ashes of its terrible first six months. Again, its first six months weren't so terrible, but people seem to think that so I am just rolling with it (pure, top-quality journalism). Honestly, though, they need to get Forge in there, and they need co-op, that s**t should have been there from the start. It really should have. Oh, and they should fix the matchmaking. It's completely broken.
The final thing that 343 Industries need to do was summarized very well by EarlyGame's own Faris Delalic, who said the following to me – in between mouthfuls of bitter coffee (at about 11PM, of course) and after about the millionth round on the same f**king map – one dark Thursday night:
How shall I say this? How shall I express my deepest, most powerful feelings? I don't know. Are mere words enough? To express my rage? My unbelievable, my unfathomable rage? The feeling that rises up inside my chest, once I click on Quick Play, and yet again it appears in front of me. A sight that will haunt my dreams. "Launch Site - One Flag" What did I do to deserve this? Am I not human? Do I not bleed? If I ever have to play this goddamn map, which is easily one of the worst multiplayer maps in the existence of video games, one more time... I don't know what I will do. Give me more Streets. Give me more Live Fire. 10/10 maps. Launch Site? I never had a nemesis but this map has come pretty damn close.
And on that note, I'm off to cry into my pillow. Have a good week, and keep reading these columns. Seriously, please keep reading them.
Other Columns that you should check out...