“Are You A Black Cat Or A Golden Retriever?”: The TikTok Relationship Theory That Oversimplifies Love

Have you ever been told you give “golden retriever energy”? Or maybe someone described you as a “black cat girlfriend”?

If you’ve spent more than five minutes on TikTok lately, chances are you’ve come across a viral relationship theory that puts everyone into one of these two archetypes – and then claims this is the secret to a successful love life.

The theory is simple. Digestible. And dangerously oversimplified.

While it might sound like a quirky personality quiz, the "couple goal" dynamic is actually a lot of pseudoscience and potentially harmful content.

What Is The Black Cat x Golden Retriever Theory?

According to the viral model, every successful heterosexual relationship works best when there’s a clear gender dynamic that partners must follow:

• The woman is like a "black cat". She is cool, mysterious, independent, and emotionally reserved. She comes and goes as she pleases and never reveals everything about herself.
• The man is like a "golden retriever". He is warm, loyal, openly affectionate and eager to please. He is also completely devoted to the black cat, almost to the point of worship.

On TikTok, creators like Anna Kristina (@annakrstna), a self-described mindset coach, and many others argue that this dynamic isn’t just cute – it’s necessary for a woman’s long-term happiness in a relationship.

However, there’s an important distinction to make between the "original black cat/golden retriever dynamic", often featured in women's magazines, and the version currently circulating on TikTok.

In the original theory, the pairing works after the "opposites attract principle" of personalities, focusing on natural balance between introversion and extroversion.

The TikTok version, however, turns this concept into a gendered power play:

Where opposites aim to create a healthy balance to balance each others weaknesses, this theory doesn’t aim for balance. It suggests intentional imbalance.

The woman becomes the emotionally unavailable black cat, while the man is the endlessly loyal golden retriever who chases her. It shifts the focus from personality compatibility to emotional control – and that’s where it turns toxic.

So… Where’s The Harm?

At first glance, the concept may sound kind of empowering. After all, women have spent generations being told to be agreeable and self-sacrificing. Why not flip the script?

Why is it bad to have a man be completely invested in you to combat being used?

Let’s break down the untold assumptions in this.

While this theory tries to combat the "faults of patriarchy", it accidentally (or maybe intentionally) walks right back into them.

Rather than dismantling the power imbalance, it just flips it.

Instead of telling women to stop over-giving in relationships, now women are encouraged to hold back love and vulnerability, to never “chase,” and to always keep their partner guessing.

In the process, it reinforces the idea that relationships must have a dominant partner and a submissive one. And that’s still sexism.

But let's be real: if you're constantly trying to hold up a persona so you can maintain the upper hand in a relationship... is that love? Or is it actually damaging to everyone involved?

Which leads us to the next point...

Lack Of Authenticity And Toxic Behaviour

Let's put it simply: If you want a relationship purely for the monetary and sexual benefits, the stability and maybe even public performance, you do you.

But if you want love: Don't play mind-games.

TikTok is great at packaging big ideas into aesthetically pleasing content. To be fair, it does look cool to see a badass looking woman who is in charge of her life. But relationships aren’t content.

If your entire relationship depends on maintaining an image – of being hard to get or mysterious – you’re not being loved for who you are. You’re being loved for a role you’re playing.

That’s exhausting.

Plus, the golden retriever gets flattened into a one-dimensional stereotype too: He becomes a tool to feed the cat’s ego, not a full human being with his own emotional needs.

And while the black cat might be painted as “empowered” or “in her feminine energy,” the message underneath never gets said out loud: if you show your full self – your full affection, your vulnerability – you become less interesting. Lose value.

In trying to protect yourself from getting hurt, you may accidentally build a relationship that can never feel safe or real.

The “Opposite Pole” Problem

Here’s another issue: Even if we look beyond the power implications in this theory and simply see it as a harmless advice. Even if we consider these values to be intrinsic to a person rather than a performance:

Living on opposite poles in a relationship can create constant tension.

One person wants to go out; the other wants to stay in. One thrives on closeness; the other needs space. One wants emotional vulnerability; the other hides behind mystery.

This kind of high-contrast dynamic needs to ignore the wishes of one person in order to please the other's.

The "golden retriever" ends up feeling ignored, while also becoming "too clingy". Meanwhile, the "black cat" becomes annoyed by the "golden retriever's" constant approaches and lack of challenging contributions.

That can lead to a constant push-pull, where no one’s needs are really met.

The Bottom Line

Some final thoughts: Don't put love in a box.

While the black cat/golden retriever theory may feel relatable or even empowering at first glance, it’s ultimately just another attempt to simplify something deeply complex.

What works for one couple might be a disaster for another. There is no universal dynamic that can define what healthy love looks like for everyone.

But one thing is pretty certain: the moment someone starts to make a strategy game out of love, it's going to be more difficult to truly feel safe in the relationship, even if you're supposedly the one "in power".

Sooo… are you the black cat or the golden retriever in your relationship? (Just kidding.)

But seriously, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the topic in the comments!