Ranking Horror Movies Based On My Survival Chances

It is spooky season, so get out your pumpkins! I'm all about Halloween and spooky stuff, so why not put myself in the shoes of some horror movie characters and see if I can survive.

Horror Movie Survivor
I think, I could outrun Jason | © Warner Bros., A24

Have you ever watched a Horror movie, screaming at the screen, because the main character was doing everything wrong? Well, I certainly have. I mean, why would you go down into the creepy basement, when there obviously is a murderous psychedelic nightmare clown out to get you?

Due to me being the ever so witty smart ass I am, I thought it might be fun to pick a few movies and rank them, based on my survival chances. The first one is the easiest, btw.

Scream

Ghostface
Why the long face? | © Woods Entertainment

Yeah, so Scream. Do I even have to explain that? Ghostface is just two dudes with varying degrees of madness and idiocy, that often enough fall over their own cape, while trying to kill their targets. The movie is more funny than scary, as most of the time, the Killer gets beaten up more than the supposed victim. So yeah, that one is easy.

Us

Us
There can only be one | © Universal Pictures

Us would put me up against a weird, scissor wielding version of myself. All I need to do is to get a better weapon, like a kitchen knife, and I’m good. Also, the double seems kinda stupid, so I think I have the edge here.

I definitely would do better against a doppelgänger version of myself than against most of the freakish axe-murderers I would have to face off in other movies. Michael Myers would rip my freaking head off. Jesus. But surviving a Doppelgänger from Us, I think I would be able to pull that one off.

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Freddy Krueger
Freddy got that drip | © Warner Bros.

Yeah, now we’re already in the definitely not gonna survive area. Welcome to the nope zone. No way in hell would I survive against Freddy Kruger. Even in the movies, they beat him through some kind of bullshittery that shouldn’t really work.

I would lose my shit, after just two nights of no sleep, so having that creepy well done grill steak chase me around without rest in my dreams? Nah man, I’m good.

And to those who might argue “just fight back in your dream, it’s your dreams. You have the control!”, have you ever thrown a punch in a dream? Those wet noodle punches couldn’t hurt a kitty! And this dude manipulates dreams for a living. So yeah, not gonna happen.

But you can try yourselves:

Final Destination

Final Destination
Is that Stifler? | © imago images / Mary Evans / New Line Cinema

This one was obvious. I mean, the whole franchise was built on the premise, that no one can escape death. Even if you did the first time, it would just stalk you until it can manipulate your toaster to grill the toast too much to give you cancer or something.

I prefer being in this movie:

I don’t know about you, but I already sometimes think about those weird chain of events that kill people in final destination movies, without death being out to get me.

I just wouldn’t be able to take it. Imagine seeing a freaking plushy animal dropping off a shelf and that would lead to a plane crashing into you, or something! I prefer getting gutted by Jason, thanks.